May these words come from the heart, and go directly to the heart. The mind always manages to catch up - but the heart, so steadfast in its passions and in its deceits, contradictory undercurrents. So often we know what we think, but we do not know what we feel. And "feel" can leave "think" isolated, "thinking" he has solved all the problems while "sitting" in his "study." And perhaps he would be right…
The problem weighs heavily on me, like any seemingly hopeless circle. How will it break - when will "think" feel that thinking is not enough? When will "feel" allow the guiding flow of "think?" When will "feel" allow her depths to be explored, her conspiracies to be exposed?
Not anytime soon - it is not polite to discuss all of "feeling" - nor is it productive - there are so many veins, so many levels of pain, strata of personality, some completely inaccessible. Rather, she says, let's talk about, say, clothing or the famine, or let's talk about yesterday. She will not feel intruded upon. "Think" will not feel the temptation toward abstract homogenization. "Feel" defies any generalization from without, but she may be gently shown her own self, as "think" somehow bears the key to the gates she keeps. Gently, gently, as she is prodded every so softly, she does not jump to defend out of fear (and a justified fear that if she be opened in that way, she will be misunderstood!).
We are not told, "Prepare yourself to receive the Greatest Light tomorrow." For such a window flung open slams shut shortly thereafter. We are asked gently, "What do you think about this? What do you feel about that? What is this scar?" And the promise of the Great Light to come at the end is almost forgotten. This Omer is like stretching each muscle of a body, so when the task comes, there will be little resistance. So too when the Great Light, the Guide, the Instruction, when the Score of the Great Symphony is revealed, we will already each know our instruments so well that there will be no fear or defense or jealousy, but we will be Sent without resistance, we will purse our lips to the reed and blow out joyous song as the Great Conductor brings us all together individually in the course of meaning, through challenge, toward the ultimate in self-fulfillment and self-annulment, Amen.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |