Yes, it's O.K. to be angry at G-d… because at least you're relating to Him. That's could be all He really wants -- to have a relationship with you, something real and tangible, a back-and-forth, a "dialectic." That's why the Kotzker Rebbe says that G-d "cursed" the snake in the Garden of Eden story to forever to eat the dust of the earth -- because the snake would never run out of food, dust being the most plentiful substance in the world; he would never go hungry, and would therefore never have occasion to speak up and talk to its Maker about anything at all, to ask Him for help or praise Him or thank Him… We, on the other hand, never really know where the next meal is coming from, so we are constantly asking G-d -- what's going on? From whence will come my help? And when we receive from Him -- we can praise and thank Him and ask for more. We are constantly in NEED -- and that NEED is the defining and focal point of our relationship with our Maker.
Rav Gedalia Fleer once told a beautiful parable about this omnipresent need of ours. He brought the famous saying of our Sages about how while each human baby gestates inside its mother's womb, it is shown the entire expansive map of the universe from one end to another, and is shown where its individual soul fits into that map (kinda like Douglas Adams' Total Perspective Vortex), and in the moments preceding birth, its knowledge of that map is utterly evacuated, leaving an enormous lack within it (no wonder we come out crying!), signified physically by the little 'wedge' underneath its nose. Rebbe Nachman of Breslov calls this lack the reshimas habitul, the "impression of self-nullification," and notes that each individual is given a unique "impression" that he/she must work to fill-in during the course of their lives. It's as if G-d first showed us an enormous, fully-assembled jigsaw puzzle whose image graphically described exactly who we are, why we're here and what we're supposed to be doing in this world… and then He not only caused us to forget what the image looked like, but he disassembled the puzzle and scattered the pieces all over the world. So our task in life is twofold: A) to retrieve the pieces one by one, and B) by putting them back together, to slowly start remembering what the original image looked like. Of course, says Rav Gedalia, the original image is nothing more than a picture of OURSELVES, putting together the puzzle.
Don't feel bad that you need stuff. Do yourself a favor and complain once in a while, remind yourself that you're one of G-d's created works, and that the primordial lack within you constantly beckons to be filled, and you NEED it to be filled, 'cause that's how G-d made you and the world. In fact, you should INSIST that it be filled, and not settle for any halfway or temporary solutions (I'm of course talking to myself as well, and would love to take my own advice at some point…). Be honest with G-d, tell Him everything that you're feeling, and don't worry about insulting Him… He can handle it, He wants the real truth, even if it's ugly and foul and you have to use words that your mother would shove a bar of soap into your mouth for using in her house... He's heard those words, He invented them. Honesty about your own incompleteness and your need of help from outside, however painful it is and however vulnerable it makes you feel to admit, is probably the first step in true honesty with yourself, as well as with others and with your Maker.
Jerry Silverman
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Jerry Silverman is a former student of Yeshivat Bat Ayin. He is working in new media, designing and managing media projects. He lives in Riverdale, NY with his wife Sarah and their two children. |