I had the kind of day I hate. Everything was routine. Even my laughter felt like sleep walking through an underwater dream. A day where probably nothing will be remembered. I sat down to learn, half of me feeling like running screaming through the forest and shadowboxing with the dark forces of inertia, half of me feeling like curling into a warm ball and softly whispering of the safety of stillness from under a mountain of concealing blankets. Of course, neither won and I pressed forward with the day in a routine manner, pausing only briefly to wonder if this is who I really am, if this is what it means for me to be truly alive.
Do you know yourself? I mean do you have an idea of who you are, of what your task in the world is, of your strengths and gifts, of where you belong? Are you in a moment in your life where you KNOW yourself in such a real way that you can stand up and say to the world in a bold, booming voice - THIS IS WHO I AM?
This week we continue our learning about how to find ourselves through the life and ways of our reluctant hero, Moshe Rabbeinu. The Shem MiShmuel asks: why does Moshe command Am Yisrael to kill the korban pesach (paschal lamb) and smear the blood on the doorways? Up until this point, Moshe has been more or less reiterating what Hashem says to him and, in the simple reading of the text, we don't see this command coming from Hashem. What has inspired our cautious leader to take this step?
Am Yisrael had just been commanded from Hashem to celebrate the festival of Pesach; a celebration requiring opening your mouth (peh, mouth; sach, conversing), and singing joyful praises to Hashem (the Shem Mishmuel points to the Halacha stating one must sing Hallel while offering and eating the korban pesach). Moshe, however, knew that the people had reached the lowest level of tuma (impurity) possible. He knew inside they were spiritually dead and that "the dead cannot praise Hashem (Tehillim 115:17)." Seeing the depth of darkness they had sunk to, Moshe used his azut d'kidusha, as Rebbe Nachman teaches us, his "holy chutzpah," to wake them up. He recognized that giving them this mitzvah without waking up their souls first would be empty.
Shemot Rabbah tells us that Moshe says "draw and take for yourselves" as if to say: "Draw yourself away from idolatry, from darkness and impurity first, then take the korban pesach, the essence of the mitzvah, in your hand." To really put aside the darkness, to really break themselves out of their routine lives, stagnant in impurity, they needed an earth-shattering breakthrough. They needed to go crazy, to stand on the edge in such a way that even while doing it they would know the world and their lives would never be the same again. The Shem MiShmuel quotes our Sages as saying, "One may heal with everything (even that which is usually prohibited) except through idolatry, sexual immorality and bloodshed." So Moshe healed their tired and dying souls, saying to them: "Do something crazy! Break out of the bonds of the slavery in your minds! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Take the very thing that is sacred to your tormentors and kill it. Don't do it in secret but shout out in bold stripes for all to see - THIS IS WHO I AM! I am a Jew, I'm not a slave, I want to be holy, everything else doesn't matter!!!" Having thus broken the outer shell of shmutz that had collected on their souls, revealing this true voice, they would be prepared to really fulfill the joy-filled, praising Hashem mitzvah of Pesach.
Simple summary: Do anything to break through to your soul. Do whatever it takes to shock yourself into awakeness. If your soul is dying inside of you, stifled by stagnancy or fear or pride or impurity (or anything else), break out. Go nuts. Do what it takes to find yourself, your true voice. Stand up and say -- THIS IS WHO I AM.