Rosh Hashanah is fast approaching – panic! The yearning to return to G-d comes rushing toward us, but the trail by which to return is not marked. Desire without direction equals frustration.
Actually, the trail is marked, but in reverse. Whatever way we went that took us away from where we wanted to be – follow it backwards to its source, and you will be where you want to be. But time has taken its toll, and, alas, we are not even sure we are on the right planet.
If you were a boy scout, what would you do if you were lost? Three steps: try to figure out where you are. Try to figure out where you are going. Try to figure out how to get from where you are to where you are going.
In this case, however, the best approach might be to first figure out where we are really going. Our tradition teaches us that the name of the month of Elul is an acrostic for the verse from Shir Hashirim ‘I am to my beloved, and my beloved is to me.’ This gives us our bearings as to the goal of the month of Elul - to return to G-d is to return to a state of ‘I am to my beloved and my beloved is to me.’
It is important to note the context in which this verse appears. A verse that sounds similar, but is actually the complete opposite, occurs in chapter 2 verse 16: ‘My beloved is to me, and I am to him, who browses among the lilies.’ There we find the Beloved initiating love, and ‘I’ responding. As we move through the story of Song of Songs, we reach chapter five, we find the Beloved knocking at the door. ‘I’ am too tired or lazy or uninspired to get up to answer his call. The Beloved leaves. ‘I’ am broken hearted, and go to seek after him. ‘I’ am found in the middle of my search and am asked to describe my Beloved – which ‘I’ do. ‘His head is finest gold…’ Finally, I am asked, ‘Well, where did your Beloved go?’ And, much to my surprise, I know the answer! ‘My Beloved has gone down to his garden, to the beds of spices, to browse in the gardens and to gather lilies!’ And then our line: ‘I am to my Beloved and my Beloved is to me!!’
‘I’ am shocked to find that I actually do know where my Beloved is. And this moment of realization turns our relationship around. I am no longer the sought, but the seeker. I no longer need to wait for Him to appear – I may seek Him myself, when I want to, and I know where He tends to hang out. ‘Seek out G-d and his strength…’
The ‘return’ of Elul is not so much a repair of broken moments but a return to a certain state of relationship – a state of partnership. It is our turn to knock at the door, and for G-d to answer. Perhaps because of shame, or disorientation, or countless other reasons, we are made to feel that we have nothing to offer G-d per se, but stand entirely as receivers to G-d as giver. But G-d doesn’t need ‘yes’ people – G-d has angels for that. G-d created us to be partners in relationship. G-d gives us written Torah, we give G-d oral Torah. G-d gives us mitzvot, we ignore them and then try to apologize. G-d gives us a world, and we try to give it back a little better.
Our goal in Elul is to reclaim that dynamic relationship to G-d – to once again become clear on what we have to offer as our side of the relationship. By assessing how far we are from that reality – are my talents being used? How often do I experience G-d in my life? Do I have a vision of where I think the world, with me in it, should be going? - then I know my path to return. And then I take one step, and then I take another.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |