I am depressed. Depression in and of itself is not so bad. The problem is when I indulge in my depression -- I sleep all day. Basically, I'm telling Hashem that I'm waiting for Him to come to me. So, really what I'm saying is, the whole reason why I'm depressed is G-d's fault, and He should come to me where I am and make me happy again so we can move on in our lives. Because really, I know that I did the best I could; I mean, I got up for davenning, put on tefillin, even tried to concentrate and say the words like I meant them. Wasn't that enough for Hashem? Why didn't He give me a good davenning? He knows that I'm in a hard space -- the last thing I needed was another disappointing davenning or a hard day of learning. So I give up. If Hashem wants me to learn and pray with joy, He'll have to come to me.
But what Hashem is saying (and remember, He's the Boss) is: go beyond yourself. I could come to you and bail you out and give you free happiness like every other time. But I'm giving you the opportunity to get there by your own effort. Up until now, you get up in the morning, you say your prayers and I let you feel good -- so you're thinking that if you maintain status quo, everything will be fine. Now I'm pulling the rug out from under you -- now your tefillin are just boxes and straps until you insert some energy of your own into them. And those words you say every day when you pray -- it is not a magic spell anymore. You're going to have to step towards them, give some of yourself. Nothing is given anymore…
And this could go on forever. And, thank G-d, it's not gonna stop until you do what you have to do. You might lay in bed for months -- it's not going to work until you get up and at least tell Hashem -- and yourself -- that this is unacceptable and you're not happy.
"Vayigash elav Yehuda… (And Yehuda approached him…)" Who is "him?" Yosef? Yehuda? G-d? Same thing. What's Yehuda saying? I'm finished being a child, finished letting others be responsible for getting done what I need to get done. We know from the Midrash that, at the moment Yehuda stepped forward, the brothers reinstituted him as King of Israel -- that means, of course, responsibility. He becomes a partner with G-d in the forming of his own life.
Nothing is given means nothing is given to us. But it also means that nothing is set. Hashem on one level is ready to let you tell Him what you need. Don't be ashamed. There is no time for shame -- this is the only life.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |