“Vayigash Yehuda” – and Yehuda came close. This is not the only usage of the word vayigash in the Torah, nor is it the first time we see it. The first occurrence of the word, which is usually paradigmatic, is when Avraham sought to beseech mercy from Hashem regarding Hashem’s decree to destroy Sodom, lest there be a certain amount of righteous people found there. He comes out with a bold statement “Will you kill righteous with wicked?” Only later does he actually realize what he is doing, and says, “behold I have taken upon myself to speak to my master; I am but dust and ashes.” The next instance of the word vayigash occurs when Yaakov, dressed as Eisav, is receiving the blessing from Yitzhak. Yitzhak tells Yaakov “Come close to me that I may eat of your food and bless you; and Yaakov came close.” A few chapters later, when Yaakov saw Rachel with Lavan’s sheep, “Vayigash and Yaakov approached the rock [on top of the well] and rolled it off.” These are all cases where something should not have happened, but it had to happen. Avraham really was in no place to question Hashem’s actions, but he felt the possibility of even a handful of righteous people dying necessitated the risk. So too the need for Yaakov to receive the blessing from his father demanded that he deceive his father and apparently violate the precept of honoring one’s father. Yaakov also recognizing that Rachel was his soul mate needed to violate the laws of nature and roll the rock from the well to draw water for her sheep. In our parsha, which makes the word vayigash its banner, Yehuda boldly steps into Yosef’s space. All manners of law and etiquette dictate that this is not to be done, but Yehuda saw that it was necessary, and if he did not do something the results would be catastrophic. So I pushed through that barrier boldly – and then realized where he was, what he had started (and therefore could not back out of) and thus began to speak contritely before Yosef “Let your servant please speak into his master’s ear.”
There are times when circumstances dictate a reality that is clearly inviolable and immovable – intellectually. Reason does not dictate that we have any chance or right to assert ourselves. And yet we know we must act, for we cannot continue in the present state of affairs. In that case, the approach absolutely cannot be rational. The first step is irrational. It is not even in the realm of thought – it is a physical action – and he came close. It is disorienting – I am used to having you at a comfortable distance where I can see all of you and defend myself and run away if need be. Then Yehuda appeals to Yosef’s emotions, not his reason, and tells him the whole story, especially about how his father would die if Binyamin does not come back with him. Yosef is broken by this gesture – he reveals himself.
In certain situations this boldness is the only way out. Why does Hashem make it that way? Why did Yosef make it that way? He made his brothers’ lives increasingly unbearable until the final step, when he knew they could not bear to have Binyamin imprisoned. He pushed them until they had to act. Hashem also does that to us sometimes – makes it seem worse and worse until we must cry out. Maybe he gives us tests he knows we will fail, making us feel worse and worse about ourselves until we break. Why does Hashem do this? Perhaps just so we will show that we care. Perhaps Hashem gives us to suffer just so we might say to Hashem “My life is important to me and I don’t want to suffer; I want to be happy.” Before that moment it wasn’t so obvious; we were willing to accept what came our way, thinking that was Hashem’s will. Maybe Hashem’s will is that we care enough about the life and world he gave us to take whatever steps necessary to ensure that justice be served and that things come out right. At that moment we are invested with Divine power to create a new reality. As R’ Nachman says, quoting Tractate Megillah “How do we know Hashem called Yaakov E-l? As it says in Bereishit 33:20 And he called him E-l (which some interpret as E-l called to him). Because through tefillah, [k’b’yachol] we take to ourselves power from Hashem, because we annul his harsh decrees.” It also says in the Gemarra that it is because of our azut, boldness, we were chosen to receive the Torah. Only for our ability to make the destiny of the world personal enough to want to change it.
We must note, however, that when Avraham stepped forward and when Yehuda stepped forward, though the steps were bold the words were humble. There is a difference between holy and unholy boldness. Unholy boldness can be the flaunting of a new-found power, for example when the nice yeshiva lad first discovers his capacity to be critical and uses it whenever he can. Criticism is the gift of the first insight into the possibility that reality is not yet perfect. But to use gift for its own sake can be destructive.
Nechama Nadborny in her book The Twelve Dimensions of Israel about each month’s unique nature and opportunities, writes about Tevet that it is an opening for developing what she calls “cosmic anger”, which she defines as “the power to overcome those forces and distractions which are preventing us from actualizing our visions.” Often we accept reality (and our definition of Hashem’s will) as concrete and unchangeable. This is a major inhibition to our realizing our visions. She continues “This drive to achieve should not be rooted in aggressive self-assertion.” i.e. unholy boldness. “Rather it should spring from an inner directedness, derived from wisdom.” We must believe that can know what is right, for example by Yehuda that there is absolutely no way he is going to go back to Yaakov without Binyamin. “When we lack confidence in our inner wisdom, we come to rely on external systems which play on our insecurities and weaknesses.” We can fall into letting what is apparently reality determine for us the way things should be. Even if we have not honed that inner wisdom as yet, we must, if we feel it, voice our discontent and ask Hashem to show us a truer vision.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |