Self-acceptance seems to be one of the most disputed qualities on the spiritual path, because it is either praised as the be-all/end-all, essential quality we should never lose (Eitan's most recent letter on the bulletin board testifies to this side), or it is criticized as the yetzer hara's tendency for laziness, narcissism, and complacency in disguise.
In this week's parsha , Yaakov's yeshev has been described as a desire to settle "in ease", symbolizing a desire to escape into security and spiritual satisfaction, away from the struggles of the world and self. It sounds a little like our second view on self-acceptance, as one who has too much self-satisfaction thinking "I've done enough," "My work is done," " I'll just be in tranquility and fullness." I feel the opposite, though, as if this desire is a symptom of not enough self-acceptance.
When we are in tefilah (prayer) and we say to G-d, "Modim anachnu lach (We thank You)," and we feel that gratitude, it's a beautiful experience; but when we are conscious that we are not experiencing that which the words embody, we might think that we are not a grateful person. Or when we say to G-d, "Slach lanu (Forgive us)," and we think of all our faults and weaknesses but can't seem to find the feeling that we are forgiven for them, we might become judgmental with ourselves. I've personally experienced days straight where I was depressed because "I" didn't match up to my ideal image of where I thought I should be. During these times, I'm not any worse; I'm not necessarily any less grateful, less generous, more faulted than other times when I didn't get so down, and I don't believe the reason I get so down is because I'm just being more honest and reflective than usual and therefore being shocked by what I see. It is true that if we don't look at ourselves deeply, we can seem to avoid the struggle of having to change and grow…for a while. Rather, my experience is that it's our desire to be perfect and our inability to accept our imperfections that are the root of this suffering.
At Isralight, many of us first heard the teachings of us as "human becomings," that G-d's purpose in creation was to allow for the possibility of becoming perfect. That is us. Without us, there is only perfection in G-d and His creation; already complete, lacking nothing. We are here, though, to be in the process of growth, to experience moving from a place of slavery to freedom, from selfishness to selflessness. "To choose life and not death," in the language of the Torah. So it's correct that we have perfection in mind and that we pursue it, but to want it RIGHT NOW is the biggest t'ava, the biggest lust we can have. The desire to be without fault is the wanting to escape from the process of growing, which inevitably entails some pain, as we are imperfect in our thoughts and actions. To work on ourselves entails letting go of ourselves and our attachments which we love so much. When we are conscious of our imperfection, it hurts, because we're scared at just how far we are from the ideal. We can't accept ourselves as imperfect, and therefore we want to escape. This, though, is like saying to G-d, "I don't have time to go through a process, to do the work, to go for the slow ride," even though that's exactly why we are here. This is like our version of Yaakov above, who says "Just let me dwell in perfect wholeness, because I can't accept myself any other way." There's no security when it seems G-d wants us to live with no guarantee, no "just" other than Him. If He wanted us to be perfect right now in this moment, why aren't we?!? It can only be because he wants us to grow and to change, so as long as we are not yet perfect, we can be sure that that our G-d wants it so.
So there's pain from G-d, from just being alive and needing to change, but there's pain created by us and that comes from our desire to be perfect now. So we're saying "Modim anachnu" and we don't feel it. Then the thought comes: "I'm not such a grateful person. I'm talking to G-d, and I don't feel gratitude for all these wonderful things." Right!! We aren't so grateful in that moment! So how do we become grateful in the next moment? Does feeling hurt that we aren't grateful help that cause? So we should accept it, accept ourselves as not yet there. Let go of that desire to be "there" and without any struggle, and be here without the extra struggle that we create wishing we were "there" already. So a new version of va'yeshaiv Yaakov ("And Yaakov settled") could read: Yaakov finally loved the way G-d made him and his life, with it's struggle and challenges, and "settled " into it. He "accepted it" and stopped creating so much extra unnecessary pain within himself.