Yaakov nervously approached his reunion with Esav. Rather than concentrate on preparing himself, he creates an elaborate scheme to tell Esav of his approach. He takes much effort to inform Esav that his father's blessings have not come true, he has not been blessed from the dew of heaven or from the richness of the earth. He calls Esav "my Master," to show that he is not fulfilling that he, Yaakov, would rule over his brothers. He even tells Esav that he is trying to find favor in his eyes. The messengers come back and tell him, "Esav is also coming toward you." Wait a minute, Yaakov says; he's not supposed to be moving towards me, having his own agenda -- he is supposed to sit tight and passively, predictably bite on all my lines and think what I want him to think. The messengers also tell him that Esav is approaching with 400 men. Immediately, Yaakov thinks, "War." An amazing thing happens; "And Yaakov feared, and his heart was troubled." Yaakov really thought that he trusted in Hashem and now, in a moment of real pressure, he fears, "and his heart was troubled." His heart was troubled when he realized that he feared, when he realized that he didn't trust Hashem as much as he thought he did.
He must try to understand why he does not trust Hashem. The truth is, as far as he is aware, he does trust Hashem. But there's something operating under the surface -- his immense guilt. He still is not whole with the way he got the rights of the first-born. He still thinks that he wronged Esav. He still thinks that maybe he doesn't deserve what he got. But he's afraid to confront that feeling of guilt, because he feels like he's not supposed to feel guilt. He sees that he is part of a most important drama, one that is way beyond his awareness and control. His mother orders him to dress up in Esav's clothing, his father Yitzchak miraculously falls for it and gives him the blessing, he runs away, he dreams of the ladder, and he marries Leah instead of Rachel. But he feels like he should understand; he should believe with his whole heart that it is all from Hashem and that he should trust. But he doesn't -- and his life is a constant playing-out of the gap between what he really feels and what he thinks he should feel. He thought he trusted G-d, but the real trust in G-d is to be able to admit: "I don't understand," "I am not whole," "I can't accept what I'm receiving in the world because I don't feel it's from You; rather, I feel like I'm stealing it."
So what does Yaakov do? He splits himself and his possessions into two camps. Sensing that there is a gap in himself, he splits all his stuff so that he can investigate the gap -- what is real, essential, "below the gap," and what is artificial, surface, and "above the gap." One way to understand this split is to see in an almost Freudian way. The Ba'al HaTanya said not that Yaakov was one camp and became two, but that he was three camps and became two. In the Freudian mode, there is the id (the essential self), the super-ego (that which is completely outside the self), and the ego, which attempts to bridge between the essential self and that which is outside the self. When Yaakov splits the three into two, he does away with the ego (his attempt to unify himself, to maintain integrity between the camps). One of the ego's jobs is to keep down anything coming from the essential self which might disrupt a person's capacity to interact with the outside world. Once this limiter has been removed, the super-ego (outside-of-self reality) can be temporarily suspended and the essential self can be isolated and encouraged to erupt. The ego is the "should" voice that Yaakov had; "I should understand, I should trust in G-d." When the ego is gone, what's left is, "I don't." Why not? Guilt. What is the solution? The confrontation with the essential self -- the wrestling with "the man." This wrestling is not a one-time thing. It is not win-or-lose. He might always feel some guilt or mistrust. The wrestling is the end in itself; "I am struggling." I am aware that I am not whole; I am aware that I have gaps -- in my past, in my present, in my dreams. The fear is not of the gaps; the fear we have is the confrontation itself. To be allowed to tap into our destinies, we must first confront realities.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
|
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |