In order for the benoni to even begin to do his work, he must recognize and admit that he is not yet a fully perfected tzaddik. This often comes when an external stimulus triggers an emotion in one’s self that happens from the gut, before the rational mind has any chance to grasp and contain the reaction. We see this in Yaakov, as it says, “And the messengers returned to Yaakov, saying, ‘We came to your brother, to Eisav, and he also walks toward you, and there are four hundred men with him.’ And Yaakov feared, and it troubled him.” Yaakov feared. Why, we ask, did he fear? Didn’t Hashem promise him that he would protect him until he arrived safely at home? That he would make his offspring like the sand by the sea? I am sure Yaakov asked the same questions, and yet could not deny the fact that he feared. And it troubled him. Maybe his faith wasn’t so perfect. The first step is to admit to himself that there is a problem, and the second is to admit it to Hashem. But before he does, he must do everything in his power to understand the root of his fallen fear. “And he split his camp” – he began to examine and separate what was with him. Realizing that the time for self-deception as to his perfect faith was over, he subjected himself to close scrutiny, allowing the scalpel of birrur, clarification, to cut away all that was affected by or contained by this fallen fear by bringing it to consciousness. That way, “If Eisav strikes the first camp” – meaning, if what contains that fear is so affected that it must be destroyed, “the second camp will be left,” - meaning, having already clarified and admitted the infection of fear, I will not still be unconsciously attached to that which must fall away from me and I can let it fall away from myself more easily, knowing that what remains in the second camp, wives and children, is more essential. Then, with a bit more self-understanding and honesty, he may approcah Hashem. The Be’er Mayim Chayim notices that Ya’akov addresses Hashem by the name Hashem. He writes that Avraham and Yitzhak were on such a level that Hashem could deal with them through the aspect of din, meaning that He did not need to give them any slack in His infinite Mercy. Rather, their actions were pure enough that they could be judged in exact accordance with their actions and live. He saw that he did not 100% deserve to be protected, but rather that he needed Hashem’s protection. And he begs of Hashem, “Save me please from the hand of my brother Eisav, for I fear him.” This admittance is very important
Having identified the existence and manifestations of a problem, he takes care of what he must do sending out the gifts to his brother. He crosses his family and possessions over to the other side of the river. Then he remembers that he left some small jugs back on the other side of the river, and he goes back to find them. (They had been nagging him, so he went back. Some impulse told him to go, and it became a turning point in his life. The opportunity only came because he followed that impulse.) So when he was left by himself, because of the work he had done earlier in admitting his fear, doing clarification on himself, Hashem gave him the ultimate gift of being able to confront his anxieties and fears face to face – “And there a man wrestled with him until dawn.” This is truly a gift, for no matter how much work we do on ourselves, it is quite difficult to actually find the root of the problem, to locate some tangible issue that we can grapple with, that we can see with our eyes. And Ya’akov does not defeat the “man” that early morning, but only did not let him escape. He did not let the problem recede into his unconscious. And he forced the “man” to bless him. “No longer will your name be called Ya’akov, but Yisrael.” What is the difference between Yaakov (numerical value 182) and Yisrael (numerical value 541)? The answer is 359, also known as Satan. Yisrael is Ya’akov with Satan. He is blessed to realize that he has that side in him, to carry around with and wrestle with always. Ya’akov was in denial, so he was kept small. Yisrael sees that he has sides that he doesn’t know, that need work. He is made large, and as the Zohar says, worthy of being a dwelling place for the Shechina, Hashem’s presence in the world.
Who is this “man” that Yaakov wrestles with? Many commentators explain that he is “Sama-el” the guardian angle of the nation of Eisav. The Kli Yakar explains that the word comes from the root “sama”, blindness, and that this angel’s primary goal is to make one intellectually blind until he will be unable to see and recognize truth and see the face of Hashem and secrets of Torah. There are many other words for this angel – the Angel of Death, the “evil urge”, Satan, denial, etc.
The Ohr HaChayim , on the verse, “Therefore Yisrael will not eat the sciatic nerve (gid hanasheh)…because he struck the hip-socket of Yaakov,” the tendon moved from it’s palce of holiness and the klippah, impure shell, ruled over it. It is therefore forbidden by Hashem, who knows. And you will find a secret in this that the sciatic nerve (if eaten) has no flavor, and this indicates that the aspect of klippah has no flavor because the holiness has left it. Understand this. Well.
What is this crossing of the river YaBoK? There are many secrets contained in this (the curious one may care to wade through Likutei Maharan Torah 6). One idea is that Yabok is the numerical value of the name Hashem plus the name Elokim. One who has crossed over fdistinguishing between Hashem as mercy and Elokim as judgement, but realizes they are the same, can be called a BuKY, in halacha, in Rebbe Nachman’s words. A BaKY in Halacha is one who is a master of going; there are two types of going – “away” from Hashem’s grace, and “toward” it. The BaKY realizes that Hashem is in both places, as David Hamelech wrote “If I rise up to Shamayim, heaven, You are there, and if I make my bed in Hell You are there.” The BaKY realizes that both goings are necessary for a healthy relationship to Hashem. He realizes that, when he beraks through a barrier in service to Hashem, that there will be other things to break through, that he has not reached the end of his path. Because he knows it will come, he is not wrecked when that moment comes (like Yaakov was wrecked by the realization of his fear). Rather he prepares himself for that “fall” by knowing that it, too, is from Hashem, and is necessary for his growth in service to Hashem. Trying to hold on to that feeling of closeness can often be what keeps one from the real closeness of true relationship and its down-sides.
Another reading of the crossing of the YaBoK (which by the way is numerically very similar to the word Ya’akov, separated only by 70, which is the letter Ayin, which means eye. Haven.) The verse says “And Ya’akov crossed over all that was his” meaning that he took all that was his across the river. When one passes to a new level of service to Hashem, it is important that he bring over all that is his, not just his mind. It is very important to let this new realization spill over into physical reality by the reorganizing one’s space or one’s time to give form to this new realization. That way, if the feeling of newness wears off, G-d forbid, there will still remain actions that were conceived in an enlightened moment to carry that inspiration. This, of course, requires that one have faith enough in one’s self to know that those actions were properly conceived to carry the inspiration, and that they are still worthwhile even though he has lost sight of the original inspiration.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |