I was speaking to someone about this month, Cheshvan, which is often called Mar-Cheshvan, "bitter Cheshvan". That person immediately reacted "R. Shlomo calls it Ram-Cheshvan" -- high, lofty Cheshvan - turn that frown upside down, quick! But the truth is, don't be too quick to get away from a bitter month. Cheshvan as a bitter, low (before it gets lofty) month, has a lot to teach us. It is the quintessential down-time. The last month, Tishrei, was full of obviously holy days (often called the "high" holidays) beacons from above, guideposts to direct our teshuva, objects and tasks to help us feel active and important, to meditate upon. This month has nothing particularly special - with the exception of some Mondays, some Tuesdays, some Friday nights, and the usual smattering of mitzvahs -- tefillin, blessing after meals, loving thy neighbor. To jump right to Ram-Cheshvan, "lofty Cheshvan," is to say that I want this month to be like last month; I need special mitzvahs to serve Hashem with, special prayers. I need vacation. In my humble opinion, the "high" holidays are not to set the standard for the whole year (i.e. we shouldn't say, "Every day this year I am going to be pure like I was on Yom Kippur," which means beating ourselves up if it doesn't happen)). The "high" holidays are to get right with Hashem so we can start the whole thing again, take another whack at it. We shouldn't leave the holidays afraid to leave the house in fear of losing our High-holiday-shine, but rather we should trust Hashem's love for us enough to step into the potentially dirt-filled world and do what we need to do. Hashem didn't give us Yom Kippur in hopes that our clothes would stay white all the time - He gave us Yom Kippur so we'd know the whereabouts of the great laundromat of teshuva. I've had enough high. I want to get low.
This is the month of mud. This week we read Noah's story. Lots of mud. Dirt and water. Sarah Nadbourney in her book 12 Dimensions tells us this month is about knowing how to fall - because you are going to fall this month. Know that. Expect it. One major part of knowing how to fall is knowing how long to stay down. My experience has been, as soon as I fall scurry back up as fast as I can. How long are you going to deny that there is a place to which you keep falling to, usually to the same place every time? Maybe Hashem keeps throwing you down there because He wants you to see something in that place. To the roots with you, He says. Because almost inevitably, when Hashem throws you down, it is to the roots of your actions, or even deeper, to the roots of your very being. He says "I can't let you go on like this - there is a problem at the core of what you're doing that, if I let it go, will manifest in every one of your actions. You'll thank me later." But we scurry back up - quick! Before I get dirty! You know who knows how to fall? Children - they don't leave that puddle until they are done with it. After you've fallen down the hole and hit bottom, when you've sat up and realized you're still alive, put some band-aids on your shattered ego, light a candle from the light of your ever-glowing soul and take a look around. Having trouble davening? Make sure you understand all the words you're saying. Noah goes into the tevah - word, the raw element of speech and prayer. Not seeing the hand of Hashem in the world? Think about how amazing breathing is, or eating. You don't like the person you learn gemarra with? Spend some time alone - see if you like yourself first. Noah is separate from his wife during his time in the ark. We must find the elements, the components. Shine them up.
I would not like to build my year upon the foundation of my Tishrei "high" holiday experience. Of course it is so important to be cleansed and forgiven. But it is not the same as being fixed. Forgiveness clears away the muck of guilt and shame, but its purpose is to reveal what is underneath, what needs fixing so badly, what needs time and effort and careful attention. Roots. Hashem's intention (if I may) in forgiving us is so that we will feel His love and protection and encouragement enough to peek into the hole and see what really needs to be done down there - for me, for Him, for the world. And maybe I can climb down there before He has to throw me down again. This month, Mar Cheshvan, is root-work. I bless us all we should merit to know Hashem is with us in our down time, and it should not be a time of silence and separation from Hashem but a time of closeness without shame, a time when we ask His guidance and He gives it so that this year may be built on the strongest of foundations.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |