This week, the children of Israel are counted - a million pair of eyes. A million minds and hearts. A million unique sensibilities. There is danger, the Torah tells us, in being counted. Why? Because, before we were counted, we were a nation. Now, when we are counted, the truth is shown - we are only a group of individuals - who will lead us? Who will decide?
The motions of this huge body are shown to be composed of individual cells in motion, acting one upon the other. No one cell can attempt to control the whole, yet each cell inevitably affects the whole. Each member of this nation is endowed with a unique perception of Purpose, of Meaning, of logic and love and truth. He is called upon to actualize that endowment. And no more. But certainly no less.
God really wants you to be yourself. Thats why He made you that way. Your only job is to be who you are. Your not responsible for impressing people, inspiring them, moving them, admonishing them. If something great happens because of you - fine. But not because you ever tried to do it. You only face what is in front of you, with your eyes, and respond, true to yourself. Since the world is not waiting for you to save it, you don't really have to be worried about messing up. The only failure is not being true to yourself. Success is being real.
Much of sadness and sense of failure comes from trying to be what we are not. Be it other people, or our (almost inevitably false) understanding of God, we carry with us illusions of what success looks like, or feels like. And we reach for that illusion, ignoring the present. Ignoring what we are, and what is needed and expected of us in the most immediate sense. There are so many examples - music, prayer, conversation. I want to feel good - so I do what I think will feel good, ignoring what I am really feeling. I'd like to be happy, but I am sad. So reaching for happiness I make myself more sad.
Is it not enough to address the most local needs? Can I really be helpful to others if my body hurts? Can I really write poignantly if the baby is crying? Can I be a good friend to others if I am not a good friend to my wife? Can I go dancing and be really fun if my stomach hurts because I ate like a pig because I wasn't paying attention because I was thinking about later?
It definitely doesn't sound so heroic. Especially us yeshiva people who are pretty sure we can save the world - but inner health, bodily health, family health, friend health, community health, these are concentric circles. Until the most central are addressed, the outermost cannot be addressed. I believe this is a simple fact. Maybe too obvious to print. But the examples of this basic fact being forgotten are without end. The farmer dreams of his field bearing crops - plant each seed carefully, then!! The guy wants to tell his lover how wonderful she is - then complement her on the lasagna!!
The reality is, holding yourself back long enough to see what is. The Kabbalists say God did it - held Himself back to make space for the possibility of Otherness. So too, we are called upon to make space. Which for us means holding back our vision of what we think ought to be long enough to see, and be inspired by, and called to action by, what really is.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |