Walking out of the Chadar Ochel (dining hall) on Purim, my friend Avraham turned to me and remarked, "Do you know how much God loves us?" To which my immediate response was to think, "Aw, come on. Enough with this flakey, lovey-dovey stuff. Sure, God loves us, but so what. There's plenty of love in the world, what's the big deal?!" It took a few seconds for me to hear what he was saying.
At the end of Parshat Nasso (Num:7:89), Moshe goes into the "tent of meeting" to speak with God. There, Moshe hears the voice speaking to him from between the two "cruvim," the two angelic forms on top of the ark. Rashi comments on this, saying that the voice was "mitdaber;" God was speaking to God's self, and that's the voice that Moshe heard. David M. and I learned a Torah by the Ishbitzer Rebbe that takes up this same point. What does God say when no one else is there to hear?
When I'm in a relationship, I get to know that person by talking with them. By having adventures with them. But there's another way of relating to people that distinguishes with whom you are really closest. Sometimes I don't want to have to DO anything or SAY anything, but I don't want our relationship to end during those times. My deepest friends will know how to BE with me. Sitting. Quiet. Sharing a moment without saying a word, without moving a muscle. Doesn't God do that too?
Before creation… wait a minute, what do you mean "before creation." The Torah BEGINS with "B'Reshit," In the Beginning. There is no "before creation." Well… kabbalah talks about the aspect of God that existed before creation, called the "Ein Sof." That's the energy, the light that preceded any named aspect of God. The light of the Ein Sof surrounds us still, but now we also have hundreds of names for God. These names bring us into a speaking, acting, relationship with our Creator. But at the same time, these names, these understandings of how God is ACTING in our lives can limit God's real presence in our lives. That's not to say that God's power is in any way limited; rather that when we forget about that infiniteness, when we forget that God also exists BEYOND relationship, we are limiting ourselves.
Love is a funny thing. The Ishbitzer Rebbe reminds us of God's undying love for us, a love so true that, says the Midrash, "When I'm angry, Moshe, you can always soothe my rage, and when your anger flares, I'll soothe yours." God's love for us never stops, not even for a second; even when the incredible prophet Bilaam wanted to curse us, Hashem turned his curse into a bracha. Even when it seems that what's happening in our lives is NOT a reflection of this love, it is, it always is. Precisely because it's always there, we can't always feel it. Sometimes God is talking to us as He spoke to Moshe, "face to face, like a man speaks to his friend (Ex:33:11)." And other times, God is talking to God's self. We know from Rebbe Nachman that we need those times of apparent distance to bring us closer. We need the falls, to reach the heights.
So, Avraham, I guess I'll never know how much God loves me. Sometimes I can feel it. Sometimes I can KNOW it. And sometimes, all I can do is listen to the sound of the silence and remember that God is talking about me.