It is Elul, and the King is in the Field. Throughout the rest of the year, when we seek out the King, we must go to the City. Those who are worthy of merit may pass the city walls and draw near when summoned. The rest of us, however, so often find ourselves on the outskirts of the city, with the daunting wall of our sins separating us from to the King. In order to enter, we must lay siege upon the city.
In Parshat Shoftim, when Hashem provides laws for laying a siege, He says, “When you besiege a city for many days…do not destroy its trees by swinging an axe against them, for from it you shall eat, and you shall not cut it down, because man is the tree of the field…(Devarim, 20:19).” When we do teshuva, we must examine our actions very closely to know what it is that is keeping us from Hashem. We must be brutally honest with ourselves to determine the size of the wall and what it will take to break through. But in our attempts to breach the wall, we must not become self-destructive and alienate ourselves from our past and where we have come from, no matter how shameful it may seem. Rather, as Rebbe Nachman says in his magnum opus Torah #282, we must always search and find within ourselves even a little good. This is what the Torah expresses in the commandment of Bikkurim—first fruits. When we enter into the Land of Israel, we are to contemplate our past, where we’ve come from, our affliction, our travail, our oppression. But from within all that, we are to find the Good in all and understand that Hashem was guiding us the entire way, expressing to us exactly what we needed to know in order to get close to Him. As an appreciation of our enlightened understanding of our past, we offer the first of our ripened fruits to Hashem, knowing it is all from Hashem. And thus the Torah says, “You shall be glad with all the goodness that Hashem, your God, has given you and your household (Devarim, 26:11).” And so, when we lay siege on the wall of our sins, we must not destroy the surrounding fruit trees, rather we are to eat their fruit and gather strength so we may find the weakness in the wall.
In the ideal world, the taste of the tree should be like the taste of the fruit. But the Earth sinned, and it brought forth trees which did not taste like the fruit (Bereishit Rabbah, 1:12). Rav Kook explains that by separating the tree from the fruit, the Earth separated the means from the end (Shemonah Kevatzim). The Earth created a structure in consciousness in which its inhabitants would experience the pleasantness and radiance of achieving the primary objective, but would suffer through the means to reach this goal. But in Truth, “the man is the tree of the field.” The enlightened man is he who sees the Good from Hashem in the slow stretching and growth of his limbs, the gradual and often painful movements of his sap, well before the budding of his flowers or the ripening of his fruit. Life is about the journey, not the destination. When our life’s goals come do to fruition, when our constricted minds are expanded, redeemed from our personal Egypts, we must be grateful not just for the freedom and salvation. The true salvation is knowing that Hashem was with us wherever we have been in life, even in the darkest places.
And so when we come to do proper teshuva, and are faced with the daunting wall of our sins and mistakes and it appears that we are so very far from the King, we must know this painful process of constriction is the gentle guidance of the King. The Ishbitzer Rebbe (Mei Ha’Shiloach, Va’Etchanan) explains the Gemara which says that when we daven there should be nothing between us and the wall (Kir), it means to say that a man should have nothing holding him back from Prayer. Because the wall (Kir) is the Source of Life (Makor Chaim). Even if it appears as if there is no possible salvation from the Source, one should never be held back from praying for Mercy. The wall, the obstacle in the way, the deep regret or shame we feel over our past mistakes, the complete and utter confusion as to where to go or how to proceed in life—this IS the Source of Life, the deepest expression of Hashem’s Love and Kindness, drawing us close. We just need to present with Him.
But now, it’s Elul, and the King is in the field. There is no wall that separates. No Palace, no Inner Chambers. Rather, the King comes out to meet us. All we must do is join Him in field. All we must do is daven the simplest tefilot, as it says “and Issac went out to meditate in the fields towards evening (Bereishit 24:63).” If we ask Hashem with sincerity to show us the way to teshuva in Elul, He will personally show us how to break down the wall of our sins, and He will escort us into the Palace on Rosh HaShana, where we will share the bliss of Union in His Inner Chambers on Yom Kippur, may it be His Will.
Noam Sendor
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Noam Sendor grew up in Sharon, Massachusetts. Before coming to Bat Ayin he was a madrich at Yeshivat Yesodei HaTorah. He is currently a student at Yeshivat Bat Ayin and editor of the Bat Ayin monthly Daff. |