This week's parsha is a cup almost overflowing, a deep well of knowledge, but it is covered with a big rock - or a rock that looks big. Luke tells Yoda he can't get his X-wing fighter out of the swamp in Degoba because its too big. And Yoda says "Judge me by my size, do you?" and he sinks into his deep meditative groove, pops his buddha half-smile and does the job. Rashi tells us Ya'akov pops the "big rock" off the well like a cork - old wine inside...
The Midrash says "Ya'akov encountered the place" - Ya'akov sought to move on, but the place was like a wall, and he couldn't go any further. Given our druthers, we would probably proceed through life, leaving well-enough alone. Even the most devoted of spiritual seekers do not actively seek the pain that must be suffered when one leaves the place of comfort without much knowing where his foot will land. When the first signs of breakdown show at the edges of the screen, we tend to ignore it, play with the knobs, hit the top of the box a few times, and then maybe just settle in to the couch and accept it. Eventually the whole screen is fuzz. Fine. I'll go read a book - newsflash. The library blew up. OK. I'll call my friend - big snow storm. Power's out. No lights. Inside. Alone. Cold. Someone is trying to get your attention. The whole world is a wall. No one likes you, nothing's going right. Hello!!! Finally, you light a candle, sit on the floor, and get to thinking.
Imagination is a tricky thing. We need it, we need to dream, we need to have a vision, something to work toward, some plan top enact onto the world, onto ourselves. At the same time, the imagination is a prison, especially the way we dream. I heard from Moish (hi, Moish!!!) from R. Shlomo Carlebach that, what does that verse from Psalms, "Hashem dwelt upon the flood," mean? It shows us Hashem has all the stuff, has Infinitely much goodness to give us. IMAX surround-sound vivid interactive full-on constant relationship to the Divine through every thing and person, every moment. But we dream like a six-inch black and white TV. When Hashem sends us the fuzz, He's telling us "Time to move into the 80's. Expand!! Dream!!" But He has to kill our old picture of what's going on, of who I am, of what my role is, of how I am using my time.
Problem is, every time we experience this breakdown, we feel rejected, like Hashem is punishing us. We doubt ourselves, we doubt the whole process. Rebbe Natan, the main student of Rebbe Nachman of Breslov, tells us that this is the time to experience all the colors, to realize that we have been limiting ourselves, have literally been seeing in black and white. We thought we were being expansive by dreaming, but we were fear-dreaming, we were projecting a vision borne of smallness.
The key moment, we see, is the moment of letting go of that old dream, without knowing that there will be a dream to replace it. This is a bit tricky, so come in closer. Rebbe Natan tells us that the way to the next level is through the negativity that we are experiencing of ourselves. Which is what the verse means when it says, "And Ya'akov left Be'er Sheva, and walked toward Haran." Haran means anger - this is the crucial moment. I see what's wrong in me, I see my fears, my shortcomings. I see my anger, my limitations. I am afraid to admit that I have this garbage inside me. But as I accept it, as I move toward it and deal with it, it shows itself to be a gateway toward a much deeper self-awareness. I see that, caught up in that complex is my special, tender self, my vulnerable self, that in me which is least affected by the world's woes, that in me which is most uniquely me, that in me which is surrounded by such walls, because I have been so afraid to let in into the world. This is the imagination, the negative one, the little 6-inch black and white jobby, that I can only let out this much of my self, I can only be this honest, I can only ask God some of my questions. Clustered in fear, in frustration, flagging huge banners vying for attention, crying out like a little kid is my neglected self, that which I have illegitimated, suppressed, ridiculed, ignored, crying out with all these seemingly negative emotions, and I enter there to a new place, a reality which requires less imagination, because it is more real, less dependent on my feeble mind to uphold.
Come through, all of you, like we said last week, listen to that part of you that acts up, that doesn't fit in. And instead of closing, open, love it, believe in yourself, believe in the process, in growth, in God's love for you and the amazing challenges He extends to you so that you may grow into that which He knows you are, knows you are capable of. Drink the old wine that is inside of you, slowly becoming richer and deeper and more intoxicating. Share it with me.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |