"And they camped there in front of the mountain" (Shemot 19:2)
Rashi says on this pasuk that Israel was like a single being, with one heart. Yet at the same time, R' Tzadok says that the voice with which Hashem spoke the Torah to us was the voice of everyone individual who was there. We each said "I am Hashem your G-d…", for only that way could it really be a part of us - not something merely given to us, something from outside. It must be that the deepest part of us, the highest level of our souls that is one with G-d - that part of us comes out. That deepest, most latent, most infrequently used, most unknown part of us - the part of us that is one with G-d - that is the aspect of us that comes out at the giving of the Torah and says "Here I am." And that part of us is not only one with G-d, but it is also one with the Torah we are receiving, as it says in the Zohar "The Torah and Hashem and Israel are one." That deepest aspect of us doesn't need to receive the Torah - it IS the Torah. It already knows every detail of every law. It is the same part of us that is nurtured in the womb, with an angel standing above with a candle, learning the entire Torah. That is our sages' way of telling us that when we are in the womb, before we begin to pile on layer after layer of "knowledge" and "personality", before people push and pull us in different directions, there is only this purity and simplicity and connection to G-d and Torah and purpose and selfless selfhood.
The giving of the Torah is really the revelation of our truest selves. Though it may seem foreign, external, the Torah is the primordial field of our communion with Hashem. The Zohar calls the 613 commandments "613 pieces of advice." The mitzvot are not just things we must do because G-d said so. They are advice, ways to reach godliness - everywhere. They are the ways to turn our relationships, our communities, ourselves, into places of G-dliness. Not 613 ways to leave the world like Nadav and Avihu, to fly off in some meditation, into the theology of the universe, into the world of generality - they are specific: your hands, 6 AM, that water, that cup. The sleep that you had, the dreams that you have, your spouse, your car, the bagel right in front of you - 613 ways to make that bagel into a channel for G-dliness in the world.
And this G-dly world - this is the world where that deepest part of you is comfortable and can emerge. It sounds hard to believe - but only because it has become so foreign. We don't know who we are, and we certainly don't know what G-dliness looks like in the world, and we maybe forget how the Torah can be so deep. But, OK, there is a lot of work to do. There are a lot of misconceptions and prejudices to overcome. There are so many years of mis-education to counteract. R' Akiva, also, so much doubted that he could learn Torah, being already 40 years old, until he came upon a rock carved by the constant dripping of water, one drop at a time.
It's a decision, an act of will. Shavuot is the 50th gate, the one that is beyond logic and understanding. It is the place beyond place, the place of "keter", the supernal crown, the highest will, that which governs all and transcends logic and reason, the source of all decisions no matter how logical they may seem. This is the place we touch on Shavuot - a place in ourselves where we may decide to change, to turn our direction. We can't do all the work in one day - but contained within this turn is all the work of an entire year in Torah. May it be His will that we be able to cry out to G-d on this Shavuot night: "Please, teach me Torah; please, give me advice how to make my world into Your world; please, give me advice how to be the way you created me.
This night, when we all stand together, one being with one heart, ready to enter into covenant together to help each other create that world, I pray for all of us to reach the highest levels in ourselves and to turn them toward Life in its greatest form, forever. Amen
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |