This week I led a study session in Pirkei Avot. It was a hot afternoon, so we went out to a small cave and lit some candles. We were studying the second chapter, the seventh mishna. It says, "He (Hillel) also saw a skull floating on the water. He said to it, 'Because you drowned others, they drowned you, and those who drowned you will be drowned eventually." I was overwhelmed by the inevitability of the chain described in the mishna. Could it be so? Is pain and hatred a given, handed down and passed on against my will? The mishna describes the person's actions and fate as if they were solely a result of how he was treated. Where does free will come into the picture?
The mishna does indeed describe a chain of hatred and pain, a chain that we deal with in our lives. This chain can be broken but it must be an act of conscious will. Like Hashem said to Cain, "Its desire is towards you yet you CAN rule over it". But where do we find this consciousness, this will? I feel that this they must come from a place of understanding.
We did a small meditation out in the cave. We asked ourselves, ."who gave you hatred? who gave you anger? who said they loved you and then gave you pain, demanding from you love and devotion in return? what do you need to unlearn? who taught it to you? how have you carried on in their footsteps? what face have they taken in your life? what words do they say with your voice? Hear the answers and use them as a guide. Break the chain of hatred.
We are vulnerable in areas that we have held on to the hurt. We hold on to hurt and fear because we hold ourselves liable for the pain we received. Otherwise we would have to say that those who hurt us did not love us. Sometimes we identify ourselves by our pain. If the parents speak to the child in anger, then the child must believe that this is the language of love or else he must admit that they are angry at him. The child then speaks to those he loves in anger, because he has learned that this is love.
One time when I went to visit my kibbutz, I was speaking with Julio over a bottle of tequila. We were wondering why kibbutz member "B" was giving him such a hard time now that Julio wanted to become a kibbutz member. It seemed strange since "B" was also an immigrant and an outsider. We figured that "B" should know how hard it was to come from outside and try to make a home for his family. This should have made him sympathetic to Julio. Then we realized that for "B", being accepted had been difficult and unpleasant, and he was actually trying to put Julio through the process of being accepted as he had come to think it should be. Perhaps deep inside, "B" thought being nasty was an act of love and acceptance. He might even justify it by saying something like "I am making it hard on Julio so that he can earn acceptance, just like I did. This will make acceptance better for him." Sometimes people get caught on the wheel. They were never happy with love the way they were given it but that is all they know. They return to old, learned patterns. Break the pattern. Be aware.