More Lessons from Mom

I wrote a few weeks ago about thoughts I'd had since the passing of my mother several months ago. When I was young, my Mother became sick. She had diabetes. My father and I pulled together and visited her often and took care of the house. When Mom came home, she wasn't able to do everything in the house, and from then forward, we (the three of us) took on different responsibilities around the house.
Some may say that this is normal for a child growing up, but up until that time, this kind of teamwork hadn't existed in the home. Mom was a housewife, and did most of the work. When Mom's disease had increased in intensity, it caused a reversal of the "normal" roles. Dad worked all day and did the housework while Mom was unable to function.
Growing up wasn't all negative. The nature of the medications and the disease Mom was fighting made it that she had some better days and some worse. I remember many times going on family trips and outings. There were many water fights (whoever got the kitchen spray connected to the sink usually won!), and holidays. But for the most part, Mom's situation deteriorated over the past 15 years.
When Mom couldn't function, we would talk about what we were doing with our days and tell her stories. I remember taking Mom on several trips to visit relatives in other areas of the country. There were many times when she was upset and nothing we said could help, we would have to just be there for her.
A story: Once Mom was in the hospital after one of her heart attacks. When I visited her, she had had an angiogram or angioplasty - I don't even remember now, there were so many. She couldn't really sit up or move for a few hours. The nurse brought her meal, and I had to feed it to her. As I had never fed anyone before, it was actually very funny. When it came to the end, the tomato soup, I told her, "You just aren't getting this." I was having a hard enough time feeding her solid food, there was no way I was going be take a tomato soup shower! Dad had the soup, and we all laughed.
The tremendous lesson I learned from and with Mom: Just being there. There are times when nothing else can help. Nothing I can say, or do, but just having the presence there, that is something. I think now that this is the idea behind the mitzvah of bikur cholim, visiting the sick. Even at times when nothing you say or do can help, just being there. Knowing that someone took the time to come and see you, makes you feel better.
Now, that I have only one parent, I am much more aware of things that Dad requests of me. I make sure I communicate with him regularly and let him know what I'm doing. While at one time I might have considered this just being a good son, now I understand that it is also part of the mitzvah of kibbud av vaem (honoring parents).
I couldn't be there in Mom's last moments, but I know that before being taken to the hospital in an ambulance, she was being visited by someone from my parent's shul. It warms my heart, to know that she wasn't alone in her last moments. Someone, a friend, was with her and visiting with her. This same friend, was with my father when he heard the news. Just like when I heard the news, I had a friend with me. Friendship is very important in this world. I think what I've learned from all these situations surrounding Mom's illness and passing: when there's someone there, there's Someone there.