Friends - each Torah portion, like each day of the omer, provides us with a different set of tools for dealing with what the world throws at us. The Torah as a whole, like a spiritual Leatherman, allows us to open, de-skin and de-bone, or unscrew that which keeps the Divine Plenty that is within every situation from showing itself. Thank you for indulging my metaphor.
But the reason I bring it up, is because in thinking about this week's portion, I came to a conclusion I was not at all expecting to come to - a fact I could have anticipated, had I read the end of my own piece, which was, obviously, impossible at the time. Which, of course, sent me spiraling through a hologrammatic universe out of which I have not yet emerged, but I'll try to tell you what I see from the inside. Thank you for indulging my disclaimer.
We might, with the encouragement of many great tzaddikim, identify ourselves with what is good about us. And that makes sense - but there is another very important factor in how we do our part in making decisions - what is wrong with us. In a sense, we are guided as much by our blemishes as we are by our talents. Granted, there are blemishes that are temporary and can be overcome. And there are blemishes that can be worked around. But there are some things that, though they may be compensated for, simply cannot be replaced.
In this week's parsha, the priestly class is told that if they have one of a certain list of blemishes, they may not serve in the Temple. Though they may eat of the offerings that are brought, like their brethren, they may never serve. And that, of course, is emotionally horrifying for someone who has been born into the priestly class - why would G-d create me into this family, and then not let me fulfill my destiny???
Amazing how hard we fight battles like that - we often say "I should be able to do this." And so we fight. And fight. And fight. And we spend substantial time not-being, defined as against the thing that we are supposed to do and cannot do. Rather than being a frustrated musician, I could finally be the graceful ballerina I was born to be. What makes us bash our heads against what we think we should be is called nitzachon - loosely translated as "the need to defeat".
This week in the omer is the week of netzach. Rebbe Natan says that netzach can go one of two ways - either toward nitzachon or toward nitzchiyut (which translates as "eternality"). The former, nitzachon, is trying to bash life into what we think it should be. Interestingly, says Rebbe Natan, it is often quite short-lived. He brings the example the kings of Biblical times who would defeat each other, and then hold the kingship for a couple of years, and then be dethroned by someone else who thought they should be king. But when a person is attached to the truth, only then can true eternality come into the world. And sometimes the truth is something like "I am not at all cut out for that job, so I am glad that (s)he can do it. And I will give him/her all my respect and support and encourage him/her to do the best they can. And we will all benefit." Or, another: "That was of doing things really doesn't work for me, but I see that he's really succeeding, and it makes him really happy, so I am going to do whatever I can to encourage him, even though I don't quite get it."
So that priest, as the Izhbitz Rebbe points out, is fulfilling G-d's will by not being a priest. He is adhering to the commandment of being a priest with a blemish, and therefore not serving. So, too, it is upon us to be guided by our imperfections - not to fight them, not to insist that they be righted, but, once we know that are are not surmountable, to accept them and let them guide us toward what we could really be doing if we used our energy in the right direction.
With that, I hope we all have the time and the courage to know ourselves honestly, and from that perspective, to allow ourselves to truly grow toward the fulfillment of our ultimate destiny.
Rav Gavriel Goldfeder
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Rav Gavriel Goldfeder is one of the first semicha recipients of the yeshiva. A graduate of Drew University in Religious Studies, he came to Bat Ayin after stints in other yeshivot and found a spiritual and intellectual home. Here he met his wife, Ketriellah, who was a student in our short-lived Women's Yeshiva. Upon graduation, Gavriel took the position of rabbi of the Aish Kodesh Congregation in Boulder, Colorado and together with Ketriellah and their growing family, they are busy creating (in Gavriel's words), "a community infused with Torah values, passion for learning and prayer, consideration of one another, and action, as well as deep celebration of the joys of life." |