I spent over an hour in the backpack store in the big city this week. I just couldn't decide. This bag is divided into two compartments- maybe I won't like it. There's more room, but the balance is a little weird. It has those convenient inside pockets, but the other one has outside pockets for a water bottle. Then I started getting nervous. My reasoning got more and more abstract, and I felt like I was wasting my time. But I just couldn't find a basis on which to decide: logic was failing me.
I think logic also failed Yosef this week. It seemed totally backward that Yaakov was giving the primary blessing to Ephraim, when Menashe was the firstborn. But there were things other than logic going on there: deep, unpredictable, ruach hakodesh things. OK, so when Yosef couldn't figure things out, he rolled with it. So how come I was left so stressed out?
One difference is that I thought it all depended on me; I had forgotten about G-d. I wanted to make the Right Choice, for it to be perfectly clear before I would commit. But it's for G-d to figure things out, to make it Right. All I can do is choose to use my mind to the best of my ability, according to His will. And if I can't decide which backpack to buy, I've got to have faith that He has his reasons for getting me whichever one I end up with. We really don't have to understand everything. I mean, think about all the infinite miracles that are surrounding and sustaining us every second. I never stress out about how I can't understand how my lungs work; I just breathe. He does so much for me in ways that are hidden- should I think He can't also pick out a backpack?
It's like we're on a roadtrip with G-d, and we're always backseat driving. And gevalt, we don't even know the first thing about how to drive. You know why the first page of the Talmud is blank? Rebbe Yitzchak Levi of Berdichev says it's because when we learn the depths of the Torah, we realize that it's really deeper than we could ever imagine. Torah is our driving manual, and I bless us that we learn it with all our strength and passion. Then perhaps we'll merit, please G-d, to know a little how to buckle up and enjoy the ride.